Crying

I'm feeling very sad and stressed out right now. Also crying non-stop.

You might be asking why are you crying? If anyone should ask me then I will cry harder and non-stop.

I finish 2nd year of university and looking for a summer job. The problem is that I don't have any experience and it's hard to find a job that gives a standard amount of time. Every student that has tired to look for a job knows how I feel. The emptiness when no employers call back even though you gave out a hundred resumes.

So right now I have all the free time in the world, relaxing isn't it? So I got offered a babysitting job. I babysat before and was paid $10/hr. This time I am suppose to babysit Monday to Friday from 4:00pm-6:00pm, but the pay is $100 for 2 month. I didn't think much and thought 'sure why not, I have a lot of free time until I find a job.' So I accepted the offer.

My family thought the pay was bad and the parents were taking advantage of me. So I reconsider accepting or not. My family thought they were pressuring me but they are not, I have a mind of my own and I can decide. In the end I chose not to accept it. I thank my family for giving me the extra info to stomach about but they did not pressure me to decide what I have chosen.

The reason why I am crying is because I am a very emotional and low self-confident person. Rather than get angry, I am a person that cries. It's great that my family told me not to babysit because the pay is low, but they don't have to keep on repeating it over and over again. I get it and I will go negotiate but if I can't get a higher pay then I won't take the job. No offence, I love my family and all but sometimes they keep on going on about the problem like rubbing salt in my wounds. This only decrease my self confidence.

Sometimes a thought goes through my mind when the other party is negotiating the price. I have babysat a single mother and she is on welfare. I pity her and only ask her to pay $5/hr. Sometimes these thoughts run through my mind and maybe the other party is taking advantage of me. I don't mind. Because of this, sometimes people find me naive or others find me helpful. I care greatly how people perceive me because of my low self-esteem.


Also, the babysitting incident today is known by my aunt, mom and neighbour. But my family likes to talk a lot (gossip is more appropriate term), so my incident today will be talked about by my whole family. If they start talking then I shall leave because I will start crying.

Sometimes I wish I can run away and be free. I am not a coward to run away from the problem but at this point in my life I am not doing well in school and have no idea what career interest me. If I were to travel around maybe I can find what I want to do in life. The reason I want to travel is because at home my loving parents are the restrictions for me. I have to consider their feelings, thoughts, and actions in my life. I want to be a daughter that they are proud of and support them when they grow old.

Fei Yen
May 3, 2015

Hit Rock Bottom

My life crisis right now: maybe dropping out of university.

I am studying all day. I have to get my CGPA up so that I can stay in university. So far, my marks that I have achieved on quizzes, midterms and assignments are above a 80%. If I keep this up then I should be able to stay in university. I should get back to studying because on monday I have two midterms.

Shout out to all the struggling students out there! I feel your pain!

Fei Yen
Feb 27, 2015